Please Help Us, Zombie Andrew Jackson
Help us Zombie Andrew Jackson. Please. In case you did not yet get the news on the other side, here's what the man who currently holds your old gig had to say:
"I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little bit later, you wouldn't have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. And he was really angry that he saw what was happening, with regard to the Civil War. He said, there's no reason for this. People don't realize, the Civil War -- you think about it, why? People don't ask that question. But why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?"
Is this for real? Was this an episode of Drunk History? I mean...honestly. Let me quote that one more time...just let it sink in.
"People don't ask that question. But why was there a Civil War?"
IT WAS SLAVERY, STUPID!
So, Mr. President...no, not you Easy D, but Zombie Andrew Jackson. Can you please arise from the dead and help rid us of our pestilence...that plague of imbecility that has descended upon our nation's most hallowed office...before another epic conflagration erupts? We need your help. I will put aside the fact that while you were alive, you were an Indian-murdering slave-owning sociopath. Because apparently, you are the right man for the job.
With compliments, Keith